I Need Help

       Most of time, when I get into a bind, it’s because I don’t ask for help. I tend to take too long trying to fix things on my own - I want to try to do it myself first.

       I would rather stay up all night doing a project all by myself, than ask for help. I like to think it is because I want to maintain a high standard of excellence and I trust my own work.

       Does that mean I’m being a brave individual? Is it because I want to be easy to live with, or because I want to leave a small footprint in life? Maybe it’s because I inherited the family trait of not causing trouble for the people around me. Or... Is it about arrogance and pride?

       There are some advantages. When I do everything myself, I can compensate for my errors and no one else has to know. To let people help means opening my performance to their judgment. I would rather do all the work myself than be vulnerable to someone else’s scrutiny. I’m not comfortable with just anyone knowing what I can’t do.

       My core assumption about most things is that it’s all up to me and I just need to do better. Yet, my attempts to be self-sufficient and make myself more acceptable means I’m shutting myself off from love.

       If we deny we have needs, we can’t experience love. If we withhold our needs from others, we can’t receive the love they have for us.

       I wonder if that was the problem the Rich Young Ruler had when he walked away from Jesus? (Mark 10:17-31) I envision him holding a checkbook in one hand and a pen in the other hand while he waited for Jesus to give him an assignment.

       I think the young man had unlimited generosity and capacity to do good things with his life, and I’m sure he was sincere and would’ve done anything Jesus asked. Except, when Jesus asked him to give away all his wealth and simply follow, the man couldn’t do it. I always thought it was because he was afraid to give up his money and influence, but now I wonder if his hesitancy was about needs. Until the man understood how needy he was, he couldn’t receive love in return.

       Brennan Manning wrote about the man who is all exhaust and no intake. That’s what happens when we depend only on our own efforts. Being afraid to ask for help means we’re depending entirely on ourselves.

       The reason I’m writing about this is because I recently had foot/ankle surgery, and I’ve been restricted to using only my right foot for the past month (and probably for the next month or two). My mobility is restricted to crutches or a knee scooter. As it turns out, I need help from everyone.

       It isn’t my first time in this predicament. I’ve been limited to one leg before, ten years ago, and I remember how often I was scolded for not asking for help (well, scolded is too strong, let’s say admonished). I kept trying over and over to do everything myself, whatever it was, before asking for help.

       I liked it when someone helped me, and I didn’t want to scare anyone away, but neither did I want to be known as the I-always-need-help-guy. I didn’t want asking for help to become my default option. At least, that’s what I told myself.

       This time, before my surgery, I made a personal commitment – always say yes whenever help is offered. If I can do that, maybe the next step – asking for help – won’t be far behind.

       So I won’t get angry if you offer to help me. I appreciate the attention. And the longer I’m on one foot the more comfortable I get asking for help and getting help. Part of spiritual leadership means letting other people take care of me; if I always must be in charge, if I always must be the one who does stuff, I’m not living in grace and vulnerability.

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.”
Psalm 119:32