Safe Together
/I first published this in 2004. In those days, Cyndi and I volunteered every year with Rock the Desert, a weekend-long Christian music festival in Midland, Texas. We drove a van carrying musicians from the airport to the venue, and later, to their hotel. (I went looking for this essay after reading 1 Samuel 22 a few days ago.)
Our assignment was to chauffer a rock band from Portland named Kutless. Through the years we’d done the same thing for several bands, and we were often surprised how quickly the talented and enjoyable young men who clearly loved God and were serious about using their talents to share the gospel turned into screaming banshees once they took the stage. “What happened to them?” we asked, like parents after sending their own children off to college.
One of the guitar players, James, who once complained of being “wicked bored,” had several tattoos and a variety of body piercings. He even had a silver ring through his lower lip. When Cyndi asked if it got in the way when he kissed his wife, he said, “No, she’s used to it; but it does get in the way when I drink hot coffee.” Curiously, on his right arm was tattooed in large letters, “I Sam 22:23.”
It was a reference to a Bible story about young David and a priest named Abiathar. In his pursuit to track down and kill David, King Saul slaughtered the entire village where Abiathar lived, men and women and children and livestock. Abiathar was the only survivor. He fled to tell David what happened, and David told him, “Stay with me; do not be afraid, for he who seeks my life seeks your life, for you are safe with me.”
Through the years I’d read that story many times, but I never landed on that verse. However, Cyndi and I had several conversations about it after the concert - how it described what we wanted and needed from each other.
David told Abiathar, “Stay with me.” This young priest had narrowly escaped with his life after witnessing the slaughter of his family and friends, and I’m sure he had misgivings about more bloodshed should he stay with David. But David asked him to stay anyway.
We all need someone to stay with. It’s hard to be faithful or brave or bold if we’re alone, but we grow strength and courage when we know we have someone beside us. I want Cyndi to stay with me; I don’t want to be alone. I want Cyndi to stay on my side, in my life, in my bed, in my house, holding my hand, sharing her dreams and concerns and fears and life with me. Like David, I want Cyndi to stay with me.
David next told Abiathar, “Do not be afraid.” That’s an easy thing to tell someone else but not so easy to follow. One of our biggest responsibilities in any relationship is to remind our partners “don’t be afraid, it’ll be OK.” I know we shouldn’t promise something we can’t carry out, and sometimes when I put my arms around Cyndi and ask her not to be afraid, I wonder how I can be so sure it will work out. I can’t know, of course, but I do know we’re stronger together, and if we stay together, we’ll be safer, and we won’t have to be so afraid. We can borrow strength and courage and faith from each other.
The next thing David told Abiathar was, “he who seeks my life seeks your life,” which means, “we’re in this together, we share the same enemy.”
Again, what I want Cyndi to know, and what I need to know from her, is that we are in this together. We’re on the same side; we’re facing the same enemies; and we’re covering each other’s back. This isn’t a solo fight, we’re not alone, and we’re not living separate agendas. We can be brave because we’re in this together.
And finally, David told Abiathar, “You are safe with me.” Wow. It took me decades of marriage to understand what it meant to tell Cyndi she was safe with me. I used to think it meant I’d protect her from the wolves and gangsters at our front door, but now I know it means she is safe from me as well. It’s a commitment never to hurt her on purpose, and more likely, not to hurt her by accident … such not noticing something important, or cracking a joke at her expense, or forgetting something I should remember (all things, I’m sad to say, I do too often). I want Cyndi to know she’s safe with me. And I’m finally learning how important it is for me, Mr. Independent Self-Reliant Man, to feel safe with her. I need the safety she has to offer.
Well, what a surprise to learn about marriage from a tattooed rock-and-roll guitar player. While I’ll say that I have no plans to permanently install this verse to my own arm, it’s been tattooed on my own heart ever since.
“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32
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