Practicing Faith: Not On My Own
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“Many carry the misconception that we should become more comfortable and that things should become easier as time goes by. This is a belief system designed to undermine you.” (Twyla Tharp, Keep it Moving)
I was walking across the parking lot one Sunday morning after church, trying to find the best stride length and foot roll and posture to keep me from limping due to pain in my left ankle, the result of fallen arches and resulting ankle collapse.
I haven’t had arches as far back as I can remember – by that, I mean, I had very flat feet. I never paid attention to my feet until 1978 when I was shopping for my first pair of running shoes and reading articles about support and cushion and pronation and the wet-foot-on-the-floor test to analyze the types of arches I had. When I stepped away from my own wet footprint all I saw were parallel lines, no evidence of an arch at all. Just flat feet. But my feet didn’t bother me through nine marathons and all the training miles.
Until lately.
Maybe my once-crooked arthritic knees caused my ankles to shift, collapse inward, and now that my legs are straighter and my knees don’t hurt, my ankles have weakened, and the tendons shortened, and bones rearranged.
Twyla Tharp writes about “the significance of that final moment when your body breaks its contract with you.” That’s what it felt like. A long-standing agreement had broken.
While walking across the parking lot it occurred to me my life would be a process of solving the weakest link, one body issue at a time, from now one. My knees don’t cause trouble nowadays; my shoulder while not as good as original is better and functional for almost anything I want to do. My current weakest link are my arches and ankles.
When I heard Cyndi gasp, I was hoping she’d finally noticed my sculpted quads, but no, she was reacting to my feet. They weren’t doing well. My arches, such as they were, had dropped, and my ankle bones were tilting inward. She wasn’t proud, as I’d hoped, but worried.
My feet seem to be entering a new chapter of life, a common story with all the rest of my body parts since turning 60; pieces wilt and skills crash regularly. I’ve had to do more research and relearning to keep up and keep moving.
At the time of Cyndi’s gasp, I was in her studio where she was thrashing me on a Pilates reformer machine under the guise of developing her teaching skills. She usually takes an obtuse direction when trying to change my life knowing how I stubborn-up when confronted directly, but this time there was nothing subtle in her approach. She took charge and set me up with Chris, one of her yoga patrons, an experienced physical therapist, and a fellow cyclist. Chris wrapped my feet with about one hundred feet of tape and showed me how to do it myself. She was great, and my feet felt better right away when I walked around.
Chris also suggested arch supports for all my shoes. “Start small and work your way up. It takes time to retrain muscles and bones,” she said.
I started taping-and-arch-supporting right away, satisfied with my progress and process. I’m always happier when I have a diagnosis and a plan.
That is, I was happy until I decided to replace the tape which was looking gnarly and ragged. As I pulled it off, I noticed I’d pulled skin off, too. And I even had one blister on my heel. I hadn’t noticed the damage before, and none of it hurt until I saw it, then the pain started.
While I inspected for more damage I noticed a series of deep blisters on the bottom of both feet, apparently from the overly-ambitious arch supports I had been using.
Around our house I’ve often been accused of trying to do too much too soon, of thinking the regular rules didn’t apply to me and I could do things my own way. Apparently, in this case, I was trying to repair something quickly that took a lifetime to develop. I was too aggressive with tape and arch supports and my feet paid the price.
Cyndi, who still hadn’t caught her breath from that first glance at my ankles in the Pilates room, was nice about it this time. She even showed appropriate sorrow and concern over my plight.
So I decided to leave my feet alone long enough for the skin to heal and blisters to calm down. The pause would give me a few days to ponder my habit of solving everything myself, often to my own discomfort.
And then, on a Thursday morning, the day I planned to leave town for the weekend, I felt a hard knot under the ball of my right foot. I thought, what have I done to make this even worse. But when I sat down and looked closely at my foot I discovered a penny stuck to the skin. The good news: my new problem was imaginary. The bad news: I had already started making plans for a new round of treatment. Sometimes I’m so smart, so intentional, so in-tune, I trick myself and make a big mess.
I once had a close friend warn about my tendency to solve problems using my own strength of will. Gary said: “Berry, you have the ability to figure out what has to happen, and that's where you have to be really careful. Because you can figure things out, there is a tendency to place God in the situation out of courtesy, but He doesn't really need to be there.” I wasn’t sure what he meant at the time, but in the years following I’ve seen his warning play out in my life over and over. Too often I assume I can solve my problems on my own.
A week after pulling off the tape and skin, and three weeks after first frightening Cyndi, I was ready to start over. I told Cyndi, “It’s time to resume treatment. I’ll be more patient this time.”
“I love you, Berry,” She said, even with the we’ll-see-about-that look in her eyes
I ended this morning’s run with an irritation on the right side of my right foot, mid-foot. I thought it would be a blister but when I looked at it, it was a small cut, or tear, or crack in the skin, running perpendicular to the long-axis of my foot.
It must have formed while my feet were taped, but I didn’t notice until this morning. I took the tape off last night, after 1-1/2 weeks, to let my feet breathe. The skin on my right foot was flaky and crackly all over.
I have developed an ache in my left ankle, at the level of the protruding ankle bone, that changes my gait to a limp, but doesn’t show up every day and doesn’t seem to get worse if I walk on it a lot. I am sure it’s related to my arches and feet.
In fact, a week later, my massage magician, Bill, spent a lot of time working on my ankle and surrounding tendons. He said because of the fallen arches, the tendons on the inside were stretched and the tendons on the outside were tight and hardened from sixty years. And the injury had crept upward toward my ankle.
Bill said, “When you have as much tenure as we do, you have to respond in new ways.”
I’ve been doing toe exercises and toe lifts during the day. Sometimes I take off my shoes at work and walk around my office in socks hoping to strengthen my feet. I also bought a foam roller ball to keep under my desk to roll my feet and ankles in all directions while sitting and working.
I’ve been doing Pilates strength training with Cyndi once a week – well, I wish it was every week. My feet are the limiting factor for how many reps I can do. However, I’m hoping the Pilates exercises will strengthen my feet in the process and maybe rearrange my arches.
I couldn’t sleep Wednesday night because my foot was aching. It scared me. Back when my knees were at their worst, I knew there was a permanent solution available – joint replacement. With my ankles and feet, I'm not so sure.
I once lost a city-wide election that I was certain God had told me to pursue. Only later did I realized I needed to leave government, to clear my calendar, to clear my life, for the next set of adventures. Had I simply left office on my own I might have wondered forever if I quit too soon; but losing an election was final. Is that what this – my foot problem – is about? Is God clearing my calendar and life for the next thing?
Lying in bed, holding Cyndi’s hand for confidence, softly so I wouldn’t wake her, I prayed a three-part prayer: God, please heal my feet; Show me what to do to make them better; and Change my heart to prepare me for whatever comes next.
That next morning, the first thought across my mind was to visit Smith’s Shoes in Odessa (Engineering Comfort Since 1975). When I pray for guidance, I feel obligated to act on the first thoughts that cross my mind. Otherwise, why waste time praying?
I texted Cyndi to tell her I was driving over for Smith’s advice and help that afternoon. Cyndi wanted to go with me, which made me happy. I always like it when she’s with me, and even more when I’m nervous about my own future. I need her endorsement and her approval to push forward into new things.
I bought a pair of casual Brooks trainers and a pair of office-appropriate New Balances, and had custom orthotics fitted to my feet for both pair of shoes. I don’t expect this to completely solve my problems, but I always feel better when I have a plan of action and take positive steps toward a solution.
It seems we are always doing at least one of three things: training (to get better and stronger); rehabilitating (to recover and mend damage); or compensating (to accommodate an injury in order to keep moving, as in using props in yoga class to make up for lost flexibility.)
My friend, Clark, pointed out a fourth thing … sometimes we surrender.
Cyndi and I have been making plans to hike on the Camino in Spain this May. We’ve talked around the idea for years and finally decided it was time to go. It’s the most pressing reason I am nervous about my feet. I want to be healthy enough and fit enough to do it.
Two weeks ago, we were skiing in Santa Fe with our family, including granddaughters, and I had to limit my runs to protect my left ankle. I changed boots the second day to accommodate my ankle and it seemed to help. It certainly gave me more confidence.
When we got back home to Midland Cyndi asked how I felt. She knew I was worried. “How do you feel about going forward? Will you ski again?”
“I hope so. I’m not ready to start quitting things yet. But I don’t know if this an outlier, or a trend I have to surrender to.”
“You know you don’t have to figure it out on your own.”
“Thanks.”
“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32
