Journal entry 060712: Julia Grace

I’ve lived a fortunate life. On several occasions, I’ve seen the human face of God’s grace in unmistakable ways, and it catches my breath every time. The deepest examples of grace always seem to show up in the most private and quiet ways never seeking attention or notice. Here is the story of my most recent encounter.

A few months ago some of our great friends received hard news about her pregnancy. The baby she was carrying had Patau Syndrome, also known as trisomy 13, a condition in which a baby has an additional chromosome 13. The extra chromosome disrupts the normal course of development, and the outlook for such babies is bleak. The survivability rate is near zero.

If there was any good news from this, it was that the Patau Syndrome was not inherited, but occurred as a random event. I shouldn’t happen a second time. Still, even random bad news is hard to accept.

The Bible says in Genesis that humans were created in the image of God, and says in Ecclesiastes that we have eternity in our hearts. Infinity in our hearts. I believe that means humans were created to live in a reality bigger than ourselves, in stories bigger than our own. That capacity is one of the things that make us human, and when we engage the bigger world, the transcendent, we become more fully alive.

I also believe that, as humans, we are obligated to leave our fingerprints on everything and everyone within our reach. It is our duty to leave our mark on as much of the world around us as we can. Not only that, as believers, we have an additional obligation, to leave fingerprints that look more and more like Jesus.

So, when our friends received the bad news about their baby, named Julia Grace, they were given several options for going forward, including terminating the pregnancy. However, they were determined to love Julia for as long as possible, for as much as possible. They would pray for a miracle healing, and in the meantime, leave their mark on her unborn heart and soul.

I couldn’t help but think about this story last Sunday morning, three days before Julia Grace was born. The choir in our church sang a song titled, “He Knows My Name.”

     I have a Maker

     He formed my heart

     Before even time began

     My life was in his hands

     He knows my name

     He knows my every thought

     He sees each tear that falls

     And he hears me when I call

     (“He Knows My Name,” by Tommy Walker)

As I sat in the church orchestra playing my part, I thought of Julia Grace and her mom and dad. Julia Grace is no stranger to God. He knows her name.

So Julia Grace was born Wednesday afternoon, and she was held and loved for twenty minutes. Then she was gone.

Who knows if babies in the womb have any awareness of their situation. Actually, I hope not, since they are in such a boring environment. However, if they are aware of anything at all, Julia must know she was loved and valued her entire life. That’s not a small thing.

The story of Julia Grace and her mom and dad is what grace looks like, and I am honored to have been close enough to see it.

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32 

To learn about Berry’s books, “Running With God,” go to www.runningwithgodonline.com , or “Retreating With God,” go to www.retreatingwithgod.com ,… Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson or on Facebook … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org … To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: www.journalentries.org

Journal entry 053112: Moving again

If you notice I’m happier nowadays, which is something Cyndi says is not easy to recognize, it’s because I’m moving again. After seven weeks recovering from foot surgery, I’m back on the road.

Tuesday night, or late afternoon, or whatever you call 5:30 PM when it doesn’t get dark for three more hours, I rode sixteen miles on my bike, making it back home in plenty of time for Taco Tuesday with  family and friends. As with most rides in West Texas, part of it was a hard grind into the wind, the other part was flying with a tail wind. As I was feeling sorry for myself because I had to fight the wind, it occurred to me - since I won’t be moving to another less-windy part of the country any time soon, and since I expect to keep riding for a long time, I might as well learn to enjoy riding into the wind. I should stop complaining and learn to own it.

Only a fool complains about the same obstacle over and over, as if surprised each time the same problem comes around. For example, complaining about the crowds at Christmas, or the price of gasoline, or the slow service at restaurants in a town with 3% unemployment, or complaining about the wind. Foolish. On the one hand, you shouldn’t be surprised at something that happens repeatedly; on the other hand, you should embrace it and learn to cope or go away and do something else. I may have to write that philosophy on my bike handlebars so I won’t complain about riding into the wind.

Sorry. I meant to write about healing, not take off on complaining.

I have been riding my bike for about a week and a half now, accumulating 123 miles since discarding my crutches and protective boot. In fact, I was so proud after my first couple of rides I forgot that I hadn’t really moved at all in the previous seven weeks. I was exhausted and drained for several evenings in a row. I’m slowly catching up.

However, my foot is still too swollen to fit into a cycling shoe, so I can’t clip in. I am riding in my New Balance running shoes. Since they are the only shoes I can wear, I’m doing everything in them: going to work, going to church, riding bikes, playing with my granddaughter.

Last Monday, while riding west on the newest portion of Mockingbird Lane, I passed two young boys on their own bikes. It reminded me of when I got my first big-boy bike for Christmas. I was about six years old and we lived in Kermit, Texas. My parents bought me a huge Roadmaster single-speed with coaster brakes and fenders. It was mostly black and, as it turned out, nearly indestructible. I rode it until buying a Volkcycle ten-speed in high school.

The Roadmaster was so big my legs weren’t long enough to reach the pedals at the bottom of the stroke so my dad bolted 2x4 blocks on both sides of both pedals. I was fine with that. It was long before I fell in love with cool cycling gear. All I cared about back then was moving down the road.

Well, passing those young boys on Mockingbird Lane also reminded me how grateful I am to friend, Mark, and brother, Carroll, for dragging me back into cycling. Thanks, guys.

My first rides after surgery were on my Fuji town bike since it has giant platform pedals. But lately I’ve been riding my Specialized road bike. Riding without clips is not the most efficient transfer of energy, but who cares. I am moving again. And when my legs are moving, my brain is more creative, and my heart is more open. It is a formula I cannot resist.

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32

To learn about Berry’s books, “Running With God,” go to www.runningwithgodonline.com , or “Retreating With God,” go to www.retreatingwithgod.com ,… Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson or on Facebook … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org … To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: www.journalentries.org

Journal entry 052412: Prototype

Where do you get your best ideas?

I recently pulled a book that I’d previously read from my library shelf, something I do on a regular basis to refresh my memory of the highlighted parts. This time I grabbed Speechless, by Stephen Curtis Chapman and Scotty Smith. On page 20 is says, “For me, music is more than a vocation or ministry. It’s a means by which I come to a deeper understanding of the heart of God and the astonishing reality of his grace.”

There was a time I couldn’t imagine song writing as a discovery tool. I thought it was a giving-away tool; not a “means of understanding,” but a “revelation of understanding;” not how you learned truth but how you told truth. I say that because that’s also how I viewed writers and writing. I didn’t suspect that writers wrote to learn more; I thought they wrote to give away what they’d already learned.

I was exactly wrong about that. The more I write, the more I realize I seldom know what I’m writing about until after my pen starts moving. Many times the meaning of something I wrote doesn’t show up until I began editing. As I move words around and tweak grammar, the real idea slowly shows up.

Because of writing, I’ve begun to understand how so many other parts of life behave the same way. The best ideas come after beginning. My engineering roots want me to think through a process from beginning to end, work out objectives and goals, understand resources and purpose, all before beginning. However, I seldom know the most important questions to ask at the beginning, I only get those after I start.

It’s hard for me to believe, but I am now much more comfortable learning and designing on the fly, leaving wiggle room for change along the process, knowing that my own idea at the beginning won’t be as good as a consensus idea at the end. I think now that too much planning in the beginning can be restrictive and limiting.

What does this mean? For writing it means I don’t expect to understand something I write until after I finish it. I look forward to learning what it will be about and don’t’ try to force a direction or a path.

Even in my current assignment in petroleum engineering I’ve learned not to apply too much structure in the beginning of a new assignment. Instead, I’ll start gathering data, draw some graphs, try manipulating numbers, and wait to see if something leaps off my computer screen. I am much more likely to have an original insight if I don’t direct the process so much from the beginning.

I understand why planning and process is important, and when I load my backpack for a backcountry trip I think long and hard about every item I load. I am pretty rigid about things that are important for survival.

And I also realize that when running a large organization, or even a church, there has to be structure and discipline or it will be an ineffective mess. But to depend totally on structure, well where is the rhythm and blues in that?

And another thing: God speaks most directly to me on-the-fly. I have few examples of God’s guidance in the beginning of a project, but countless examples of God speaking once the process has begun.

I track my change in thinking back to another library-shelf book, The Art of Innovation, by Tom Kelley, a book I read in 2001, then again in 2011. The biggest idea I learned from this book was to use prototypes. Before then I had the habit of spending too much time working and reworking a system (process, spreadsheet, marathon training schedule, garage clean-out, calendar, and on and on) before I’d actually begin anything. I wanted my plans to be comprehensive yet flexible, complete yet sustainable. Even more, I didn’t want to have to stop and rethink or design once I had started. And as you’ve already guessed, I often exhausted my initiative on the design and never actually started the project.

That word, prototype, changed my life. Nowadays I consider everything I do to be a prototype and I start looking for changes and improvements immediately. And I expect God to speak loudest after the prototype phase begins.

I suppose it’s accurate to say that spiritual maturity is only a prototype. As in, “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.” (1 Corinthians 13:12, NLT)

We are always growing. We are never the finished product. Consider yourself a spiritual prototype and throw yourself into ministry. The only time to learn where you need improving is after you’ve started.

QUESTION: What is one big idea you learned after you got started?

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32

To learn about Berry’s books, “Running With God,” go to www.runningwithgodonline.com , or “Retreating With God,” go to www.retreatingwithgod.com ,… Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson or on Facebook … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org … To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: www.journalentries.org

Journal entry 051712: Foot chronicles

“In your fifties, you’ll have a minor surgery. You’ll call it a procedure, but it’s a surgery.” (Mitch Robbins, in City Slickers)

I had my own procedure March 30 - a bunion removal and ligament repair on my right foot. It was my first hospital stay since about 1961.

My foot didn’t hurt at all, even when I was in the hospital. I suppose there were times when it ached a bit, but the medicine hid any real discomfort. The nurses kept asking my level of pain, between 1 and 10, and I told them a 4 so they would feel good about doing their jobs, but it was actually nothing more than a 3. Or 2.

Using the photos I took at my first post-surgery doctor visit, I counted 62 stitches in five places on my right foot. That was a lifetime-high stitch count for me.

One benefit to being on crutches: I no longer felt guilty using the handicap stall in my office men’s room.

My only real complaint has been awkwardness. It was hard to carry anything when on crutches, but I compensated by using my backpack for everything. About the only thing I wasn’t eventually able to carry was a case of Diet Cokes. I tried pushing a grocery cart by resting my booted foot on the cart and pushing off with my other foot like a scooter, but it was spectacularly unsuccessful. I should stay away from that particular grocery store for a while.

I invented a series of stories to describe what happened to my foot, since a friend said I needed a better story: (1) My clumsy wife stepped on my foot during our audition for a dance contest; (2) My foot got caught in a bear trap during my last mountain adventure trail marathon at mile 10 and I had to hop the last 16.2 miles; (3) In a fit of recklessness I tried on my wife’s high steppers and wrecked my trilateral tendon; and (4) I shouldn’t have tried to carry my William Wallace claymore sword on my bicycle.

After using an elevator regularly for the first time in years, I wondered: Why, since modern elevators were invented in 1852, was there still no “clear” button in case I selected the wrong floor (or found myself riding with Buddy the Elf).

After about four weeks, my foot took on an irritating stinging itch. I blamed the heat inside my boot, or even the glue and strapping tape the doctor used after removing stitches. People tried to convince me that it was part of the healing process. Maybe, but it kept me awake at night.

In general, wonder how often we have to go through pain and irritation in order to heal. Is that a constant and predictable part of every process? I expect to go through pain to get better as a runner or cyclist, and I suppose as a politician, writer, or teacher. Maybe all healing, all improvement, requires pain and discomfort along the path.

What I’ve missed most is movement, since I can’t run or bike. It didn’t bother me at first, but I soon started to feel like a compressed spring. My last venture was a 24-mile bike ride on Thursday, the day before surgery.

My original plan was to do home workouts during the immobile phase, such as sit-ups, push-ups, pull-ups, and planks. I even had a schedule worked out on paper. However, healing tapped all my energy and I did little actual working out. That surprised and disappointed me.

Here is a typical post-surgery doctor visit: He unwraps my foot, pokes it a little bit, wraps it back up with glue and strapping tape and gauze, and sends me home. This happened weekly for six weeks. I suppose any visit when the doctor doesn’t jump back gasping in shock is a good visit.

I have been amazed how many people will trot across a parking lot to open a door for a stranger on crutches. It makes me happy for mankind. My sister-in-law, Tanya, says it’s because we live in Midland.

After six weeks, Dr. Glass pulled the scary pin-splints out of my toes and removed the remaining stitches. He made me stay in the boot another week so the pinholes would heal. I interpreted that to mean the bones were fine and we were waiting on skin closure, which I then interpolated to walking in my boot without crutches. I didn’t ask the doctor if that was correct because he might disagree. I just acted on my own. I am, after all, a trained engineer.

Week seven; my last time to park in a handicap slot was this morning at the doctor’s office. I’m planning to retire my red placard, even though it’s good until October.

This morning I walked out of the doctor’s office wearing two shoes, no boot. I drove home, pulled out my Fuji bike, and rode 7.41 slow miles. It was more of a comeback statement than effective exercise. It was wonderful.

There is nothing sentimental about setting aside crutches or a boot. It falls in the “good riddance” category.

I have photos of my foot: before and after, stitches, pins, etc., and I will email them to you if you’re curious. Cyndi prefers I don’t post them for the entire world.

I’ll still be hobbling and limping for a few weeks longer, but my toes are straighter, my foot narrower, and I can smell freedom in the air

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32 

To learn about Berry’s books, “Running With God,” go to www.runningwithgodonline.com , or “Retreating With God,” go to www.retreatingwithgod.com ,… Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson or on Facebook … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org … To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: www.journalentries.org 

§ “In your fifties, you’ll have a minor surgery. You’ll call it a procedure, but it’s a surgery.” (Mitch Robbins, in City Slickers)

§ I had my own procedure March 30 - a bunion removal and ligament repair on my right foot. It was my first hospital stay since about 1961.

§ My foot didn’t hurt at all, even when I was in the hospital. I suppose there were times when it ached a bit, but the medicine hid any real discomfort. The nurses kept asking my level of pain, between 1 and 10, and I told them a 4 so they would feel good about doing their jobs, but it was actually nothing more than a 3. Or 2.

§ Using the photos I took at my first post-surgery doctor visit, I counted 62 stitches in five places on my right foot. That was a lifetime-high stitch count for me.

§ One benefit to being on crutches: I no longer felt guilty using the handicap stall in my office men’s room.

§ My only real complaint has been awkwardness. It was hard to carry anything when on crutches, but I compensated by using my backpack for everything. About the only thing I wasn’t eventually able to carry was a case of Diet Cokes. I tried pushing a grocery cart by resting my booted foot on the cart and pushing off with my other foot like a scooter, but it was spectacularly unsuccessful. I should stay away from that particular grocery store for a while.

§ I invented a series of stories to describe what happened to my foot, since a friend said I needed a better story: (1) My clumsy wife stepped on my foot during our audition for a dance contest; (2) My foot got caught in a bear trap during my last mountain adventure trail marathon at mile 10 and I had to hop the last 16.2 miles; (3) In a fit of recklessness I tried on my wife’s high steppers and wrecked my trilateral tendon; and (4) I shouldn’t have tried to carry my William Wallace claymore sword on my bicycle.

§ After using an elevator regularly for the first time in years, I wondered: Why, since modern elevators were invented in 1852, was there still no “clear” button in case I selected the wrong floor (or found myself riding with Buddy the Elf).

§ After about four weeks, my foot took on an irritating stinging itch. I blamed the heat inside my boot, or even the glue and strapping tape the doctor used after removing stitches. People tried to convince me that it was part of the healing process. Maybe, but it kept me awake at night.

§ In general, wonder how often we have to go through pain and irritation in order to heal. Is that a constant and predictable part of every process? I expect to go through pain to get better as a runner or cyclist, and I suppose as a politician, writer, or teacher. Maybe all healing, all improvement, requires pain and discomfort along the path.

§ What I’ve missed most is movement, since I can’t run or bike. It didn’t bother me at first, but I soon started to feel like a compressed spring. My last venture was a 24-mile bike ride on Thursday, the day before surgery.

§ My original plan was to do home workouts during the immobile phase, such as sit-ups, push-ups, pull-ups, and planks. I even had a schedule worked out on paper. However, healing tapped all my energy and I did little actual working out. That surprised and disappointed me.

§ Here is a typical post-surgery doctor visit: He unwraps my foot, pokes it a little bit, wraps it back up with glue and strapping tape and gauze, and sends me home. This happened weekly for six weeks. I suppose any visit when the doctor doesn’t jump back gasping in shock is a good visit.

§ I have been amazed how many people will trot across a parking lot to open a door for a stranger on crutches. It makes me happy for mankind. My sister-in-law, Tanya, says it’s because we live in Midland.

§ After six weeks, Dr. Glass pulled the scary pin-splints out of my toes and removed the remaining stitches. He made me stay in the boot another week so the pinholes would heal. I interpreted that to mean the bones were fine and we were waiting on skin closure, which I then interpolated to walking in my boot without crutches. I didn’t ask the doctor if that was correct because he might disagree. I just acted on my own. I am, after all, a trained engineer.

§ Week seven; my last time to park in a handicap slot was this morning at the doctor’s office. I’m planning to retire my red placard, even though it’s good until October.

§ This morning I walked out of the doctor’s office wearing two shoes, no boot. I drove home, pulled out my Fuji bike, and rode 7.41 slow miles. It was more of a comeback statement than effective exercise. It was wonderful.

§ There is nothing sentimental about setting aside crutches or a boot. It falls in the “good riddance” category.

§ I have photos of my foot: before and after, stitches, pins, etc., and I will email them to you if you’re curious. Cyndi prefers I don’t post them for the entire world.

§ I’ll still be hobbling and limping for a few weeks longer, but my toes are straighter, my foot narrower, and I can smell freedom in the air.

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32 

To learn about Berry’s books, “Running With God,” go to www.runningwithgodonline.com , or “Retreating With God,” go to www.retreatingwithgod.com ,… Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson or on Facebook … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org … To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: www.journalentries.org 

Journal entry 051012: Giving passionately

Sunday morning we discussed a series of brief stories found in Luke 18, and one of those stories was about Jesus and a rich ruler (also in Mark 10).

The story begins with the ruler asking Jesus, “What must I do to inherit eternal life?” I believe the ruler’s question was sincere, unlike most questions aimed at Jesus. The ruler did not carefully construct this to trap Jesus into saying something controversial. The Mark account says the man "ran up to him (Jesus) and fell on his knees before him.” That sounds honest.

I picture the man holding his open checkbook and pen, the check already signed, ready to fill in the amount. He was willing to support Jesus’s ministry, or sponsor a wing on the children’s hospital, or give to the temple fund, or whatever else Jesus asked.

After quizzing the man about his obedient lifestyle, Jesus surprised him with this: “Sell everything you have and give it to the poor, then follow me.”

Apparently, this was the last thing the man wanted to hear.

How could he possibly give it all away to the poor? Who would he be if he gave it all away? Who would listen to him if he weren’t rich? How could he do great and mighty things for the kingdom if he was broke? Where would his weight and significance come from? (I asked myself similar questions just a few years ago when my 12-year stint in city government ended. Who will listen to me now?)

Hearing Jesus’ expectations made the ruler sad. He had started the conversation with big hopes of doing something grand, but now, all he could do was walk away.

One of the mysteries of this story is why Jesus asked the ruler to give it all away, since it wasn’t something he asked regularly. One classic example when he didn’t ask was talking to Zacchaeus, whose riches came from cheating people. It would have made sense for Jesus to ask Zacchaeus to give all his ill-gotten gains to the poor, but he didn’t. There is no indication the ruler got his money dishonestly, so why did Jesus let Zacchaeus keep his money but wanted the ruler to give his away?

For me, money wouldn’t be the hardest thing to give up. No, the hardest for me would be independence and creativity. I am stingy with my time and attention. Engaging a problem and devoting time to solving it is often more costly to me than money. I’d rather write a check than invest the time - not because I am lazy, but because I don’t want to displace my own projects. I put a lot of mental energy into everything I do, and I resent having to accommodate someone else’s Ill-thought plans.

If I put myself in the story from Luke 18, I can imagine Jesus asking me to drop all my important projects and follow his tight schedule from now on. It would be hard to keep from walking away, like the ruler in the Bible story.

However, is that really how I think of Jesus? Do I believe he wants to take away my favorite stuff to prove my loyalty? That is not an encouraging or attractive picture of God: “Hello, I want all your best and favorite stuff.” Is that the God we follow?

I think what God really wants is our heart. He has enough stuff already. He wants us to give him our heart, and the path to our heart is our passions … those things that make us come alive and fill us with joy.

As for me, I am most passionate about teaching and writing, and I don’t know how to do either of them well without ample room for independence and creativity. Maybe you are passionate about music, sports, or career advancement. The ruler was most passionate about his great wealth. Most of us will fight to defend our greatest passions.

However, we have the most to offer the kingdom of God when we give away the very things we are most passionate about. God doesn’t ask for our passions because they’re bad or because they are distractions; after all, he gave them to us in the first place. When we give away our passions - when we talk about the things we are most passionate about, and share them with other people - the grace of God will leak out of our lives. We can change the world.

The reason Jesus asked the ruler to give away all of his money was to get the man’s heart. The ruler could have written a check and walked away feeling fulfilled, yet never changing his heart at all. Not good enough! God had given him lots of money, and now Jesus wanted him to redirect that toward the kingdom. Jesus wanted him to give away his passions to God.

Living out our passions for God is more than being the best we can be, more than aiming high and shooting for the stars, and more than being authentic and true. It means giving ourselves away, especially to those who cannot repay. For me, it often means embracing interruptions and accepting the inevitable changes that accompany life of loving other people.

DISCUSSION: I’ll be honest. While the idea of giving away our passions is not a new idea for me, applying it to the Luke 18 story is new. I’ve already written more than I understand. What are your thoughts?

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32

To learn about Berry’s books, “Running With God,” go to www.runningwithgodonline.com , or “Retreating With God,” go to www.retreatingwithgod.com ,… Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson or on Facebook … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org … To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: www.journalentries.org

Journal entry 050312: Which do you need?

What do you think? Was Jesus more like William Wallace, or Mother Teresa? Consider this story:

On a Sabbath, Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues, and a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not straighten up at all. When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, “Woman, you are set free from your infirmity.” Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God.

Indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, the synagogue leader said to the people, “There are six days for work. So come and be healed on those days, not on the Sabbath.”

The Lord answered him, “You hypocrites! Doesn’t each of you on the Sabbath untie your ox or donkey from the stall and lead it out to give it water? Then should not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has kept bound for eighteen long years, be set free on the Sabbath day from what bound her?”

When he said this, all his opponents were humiliated, but the people were delighted with all the wonderful things he was doing. (Luke 13:10-17, NIV)

The main point of this Bible story is the confrontation over proper Sabbath observance, but I don’t want to write about that. I am more interested in how Jesus ministered to the two main characters.

The synagogue ruler told all the people if they wanted healing, they should come on a different day, as if healing was a regular part of the worship service. Even though he made his speech to everyone, he clearly aimed it at the poor woman who was standing right there. I wrote in the margin of my Bible, “Boo! Boo!” (Think Princes Bride)

The ruler jumped on the easiest target in the room - the woman who couldn’t defend herself - rather than on Jesus, who did the actual healing. Moreover, he said this heartless thing even while she was standing there. This wasn’t a theological debate between two learned teachers; it was an attack against Jesus taken at this woman’s expense.  What kind of man does something like that? A man whose heart is stone cold and cruel, that’s who. A man I don’t care to know.

My guess is that the woman was a member of the synagogue, one of the ruler’s parishioners. She didn’t appear to be in the synagogue in hopes of finding Jesus; rather, she came as part of her regular worship pattern. She didn’t even ask for healing. Apparently, her physical condition caught Jesus’s eye, and he had to help her.

The synagogue ruler must have known the woman well. He was probably aware of her eighteen years of suffering, and still he scolded her? She had been coming to the synagogue all these years with no healing, and when it finally happened for her, the ruler was upset that it happened on the wrong day. Boo! Boo!

Personally, I think the synagogue ruler was a jerk, and the woman should have gone after him with her cane. However, she, being nobler, chose to praise God instead.

I doubt the ruler would have been so indignant if his back was crooked, if he had been healed.

So back to my opening question: Was Jesus more like Mother Teresa, or William Wallace? That depends on whether you are a crippled woman or a self-righteous leader.

Question: In your life, has Jesus been more like William Wallace or Mother Teresa? Which do you need from him today?

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32

To learn about Berry’s books, “Running With God,” go to www.runningwithgodonline.com , or “Retreating With God,” go to www.retreatingwithgod.com ,… Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson or on Facebook … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org … To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: www.journalentries.org

Journal entry 042612: Surprise healing

Is it possible to sneak up on Jesus?

The Bible tells the story of a woman who came up behind Jesus and touched the edge of his cloak while he wasn’t looking, and she was healed.

Here is the story from the Gospel of Luke:

As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years but no one could heal her. She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.

“Who touched me?” Jesus asked.

When they all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.”

But Jesus said, “Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.”

Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.” (Luke 8:42-48, NIV)

Jesus asked, “Who touched me?” and his disciples, thinking this the strangest question, replied, “Everyone touched you!” However, Jesus knew someone touched him in faith. Something was different about this touch.

“Someone touched me; I know that power has gone from me.”

Isn’t it curious that Jesus could feel healing power leave his body. This stirs up a lot of questions. If this was a physical sensation for him, no wonder he was often exhausted after a full day of healing and had to escape, get alone, and pray. He was physically and emotionally involved with each healing.

Did the woman really sneak up on Jesus? Is it possible she touched Jesus and he didn’t know she was coming, and didn’t know who she was?

It’s hard to believe Jesus didn’t know who touched him, so why did he ask the question? He asked for her benefit, not his.

Her physical ailments had been a constant source of pain and embarrassment for twelve years, and had restricted her contact with holy men like Jesus. In fact, it’s possible no one had touched her for twelve years. After all this time, she must have assumed healing and personal attention were not for her. She wasn’t qualified. She didn’t count. Another version of the story, found in Mark 5:26, makes this sad comment, “She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse.” She snuck up to touch Jesus in secret because being seen or noticed had worked out poorly for her in the past.

It can happen to all of us. We become so beaten down by life we go underground, learn to accept pain and embarrassment, hope no one notices us, hope the cool kids leave us alone, cross the street to avoid the bullies, give up dreaming and hoping, and lay low until it is all over. I believe that was the mindset of this woman. The last thing she wanted was to be noticed and have to explain her actions. Unfortunately, she was discovered.

“Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet.”

There is a scene at the end of the movie, The Client, when the young mom and her two boys were moving into the witness protection program. The mom, Dianne Sway, said, “All I ever wanted was a white house with a walk-in closet.” When she realized her dreams would come true she said, “Now I can watch my boys grow up, maybe even join the PTA.” Up to that point, her life had been so beaten down even simple and cheap things, like joining the PTA, were beyond hope. She couldn’t believe it was finally happening for her.

I believe that also describes the life of the woman who was healed. She couldn’t believe something good was finally happening to her.

That’s why Jesus stopped and asked, “Who touched me.” He wanted her to step forward and admit what she did - not to blame her or embarrass her, but so he could hold her close, hug her, accept her, and wrap her up until she stopped trembling. If Jesus had kept walking, the woman would’ve faded into the crowd, her physical ailment completely healed, but her heart still full of rejection. Jesus called her out so he could speak directly into her eyes, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.”

Nearly all of us have problems that we won’t talk about, issues that force us to sneak through the crowd. As we stumble from solution to solution, our hope fades and desperation intensifies. In my case, I tell myself, “I should be over this by now; I should be further down the road of spiritual maturity and not worried about these ancient haunts.”

Jesus healed the woman physically when she snuck up on him and touched him. But he knew she needed more. Her heart needed healing the most. How gracious it was that he stopped and met her heart face-to-face. He wants to do the same for you and me. Jesus wants to heal us completely.

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32

To learn about Berry’s books, “Running With God,” go to www.runningwithgodonline.com , or “Retreating With God,” go to www.retreatingwithgod.com ,… Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson or on Facebook … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org … To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: www.journalentries.org

Journal entry 041912: The Lord’s inheritance

One night last March, while I was laying in my Hennessy Hammock, near Little Creek in the Gila Wilderness of western New Mexico, I read about God’s instructions to Israel. He was telling them how to divide the Promised Land among the twelve tribes. In Joshua 18:7, it says, “The Levites, however did not get a portion among you because the priestly service of the Lord is their inheritance.”

All the other tribes received a specific region, so they could establish their own homeland, observe their own customs, and create their own wealth. But the Levites did not get a portion.

They weren’t left destitute. God took care of them, giving them certain cities scattered among the other tribes, but they did not have a specific allotment of land. They couldn’t accumulate wealth. They would be mostly dependent on the people who lived around them.

I wrote in the margin of my Bible, “Were the Levites satisfied with that? Was the Lord’s inheritance enough?”

Were they OK living with the Lord’s inheritance even while those around them got vast lands with big success? Were they comfortable when their kids hung out with the other kids who had cooler toys? Were they satisfied parking their cheapo cars beside everyone else’s luxury SUVs? Was the Lord’s inheritance enough?

The next morning in the Gila Wilderness, over Paul’s campfire biscuits, I asked my fellow backpackers, “Is the Lord’s inheritance enough for each of us? Are you happy doing what God has given you to do and with his providence, while people around you get so much more?

I thought about the first century preacher, Stephen, who was stoned to death for preaching the gospel. For him, the Lord’s inheritance was a painful death. Was that enough? It’s easy for me to say “yes,” his death was worth it, but would Stephen agree? It was his death that set up the Apostle Paul’s grand conversion on the road to Damascus, and Paul literally changed the world with his preaching, and still changes lives with his writing. Did that make Stephen’s short life worth it?

A couple of weeks ago my Uncle James was visiting in Midland, and he asked me the current pay scale for consulting petroleum engineers. I told him, “To tell the truth, I’m embarrassed it is so high. I’m not sure I deserve what they are paying.”

I continued, “Don’t get me wrong, I take the money and do the work. I’m not stupid. I still remember times when no one wanted to pay petroleum engineers anything at all.”

How does that square with being satisfied? In the context of the greater good for mankind, I cannot justify earning as much in three days as my wife, Cyndi, an excellent elementary school teacher with 25 years of experience, earns in a month. Surely bringing grace to the lives of 5^th-graders and their parents has more value than finding oil. Is she happy with the Lord’s inheritance?

As a writer, am I satisfied with the Lord’s inheritance? Is it acceptable to be ambitious, to try harder, or to want more? Must I be content with the inheritance I have right now, or can I strive for more? Am I supposed to be satisfied if I never have more than 100 readers who listen and believe what I write, even while other writers have thousands? And how does that square with those words I heard from God while at a Wild at Heart camp, when he spoke clearly to me about writing, telling me, in effect, “Berry, you don’t realize how big it is.” After that experience, I feel obligated to have big goals. Still, I feel awkward praying for great success.

Rick Warren said, “We are responsible for the depth of our ministry; God is responsible for the width.” Maybe that is the secret to balancing our satisfaction with the Lord’s inheritance with our natural ambition and future dreams. We should focus on growing deeper, and let God handle the width; we must use and develop the gifts God has given us, and let him determine the size of our inheritance.

Question: How about you? Are you satisfied with the Lord’s inheritance, or is it a struggle?

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32

To learn about Berry’s books, “Running With God,” go to www.runningwithgodonline.com , or “Retreating With God,” go to www.retreatingwithgod.com ,… Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson or on Facebook … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org … To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: www.journalentries.org

Journal entry 041212: Much to learn about surrender

I had surgery on my right foot, Friday, March 30^th. It took much longer than I’d expected but I don’t really know because I slept through the whole thing. I counted 62 stitches, a lifetime high score.

One question they asked me over and over during the hospital check-in process was, “Mr. Simpson, when was the last time you stayed in a hospital?”

My answer: “1963; for surgery.” Not one person who asked the question was born before 1963.

Anesthesia is much better today than it was back then. I still remember the rubber mask over my face and the smell of ether. In fact, some solvents still bother me even after 49 years, especially fingernail polish remover. This time, I have no memories whatsoever of the anesthesia they used.

Two weeks into my recovery, I’m wearing a big black Darth Vaderish boot, but I’m not yet allowed to walk with it. I suppose I’ll be using crutches for the near future. Around our house I get scolded (well, scolded is too strong, let’s say admonished, or encouraged) because I won’t ask for help whenever I struggle to do something while using my crutches. I’ll try over and over before asking for help. Don’t get me wrong, I like the help and I don’t want to scare anyone away, but I also don’t want to turn into I-Need-Help-Guy. I don’t want asking for help to become my default position.

However, the longer I’m on crutches the more comfortable I get asking for help and getting help. I also know that part of growing up means letting other people take care of me; if I always have to be in charge, if I always have to be the one who does stuff, I’m not living in in grace and vulnerability. Still, I’m a little amazed that I have to think to myself, “It’s OK to let them help me.”

And there are still some things I cannot do myself no matter how hard I try. For example, I cannot carry a large Rosa’s cup full of Diet Coke.

All of this reminded me of the time when my daughter, Katie, first learned to ride a bicycle. She didn’t want me running behind the bike holding her up, coaching her, or standing anywhere near her. She wanted to do it all by herself, and she didn’t care if she fell over several times or if it took longer her way.

I’m the same as young Kate while on these crutches. I’ll spend time and energy trying to figure a way to carry some heavy books or laundry rather than ask for help. I want to do it myself. At least, I want to try to do it myself first, before asking for help, even if it takes longer.

As it turned out, being on crutches bothered me less than not being able to drive. During the hospital checkout process, I agreed not to drive until approved to do so by my doctor. Right away, I was surprised how much not driving bothered me.

I hated not being able to control my own coming and going, frustrated that I couldn’t plan my own movements. It didn’t bother me so much to depend on other people, but I was disappointed that I couldn’t remain in charge of my own personal space and schedule.

Those feelings of frustration were magnified by the fact that my surgery happened at the same time my dad had to move my mom out of their apartment and into a high-security Alzheimer’s facility. It was necessary to limit her movements and control her freedom, but she didn’t like being told what to do, when to do it, or where to go. However, she had become a danger to herself and needed more security and structure. She complains about it every time I see her, and I don’t remember hearing her complain about anything before now.

I could relate to her complaints since I inherited much of my own personality from her, and since I was dealing with independence issues of my own. I was hyper-aware of my mom’s frustrations because I’d been feeling the same thing. However, there are two glaring differences between her situation and my own. First, I know I’ll get better with the passage of time; my mom probably won’t. Second, my mom’s concerns are well founded. She is surrounded by people determined to tell her what to do and when to do it. For me, there are no such people. All my worries about loss of freedom and control are theoretical, within my own mind.

PS: As it turns out, my exile from driving lasted only five days, and for two of those days I was taking Demerol and didn’t want to drive anyway. That leaves me a bit embarrassed complain so much about not being in control, but those five days, in connection with seeing my own stubbornness through my mom’s situation, reminded me how far I still have to grow to be the man Jesus expects me to be. Being my true authentic self is no virtue if it means I am arrogant and independent. I have so much to learn about surrender.

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32

To learn about Berry’s books, “Running With God,” go to www.runningwithgodonline.com , or “Retreating With God,” go to www.retreatingwithgod.com ,… Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson or on Facebook … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org … To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: www.journalentries.org

Journal entry 040512: Driven or called?

I often pull books off my library shelves, books that I read months or years before, and flip through the pages, searching for those sentences that brought me to a screeching halt the first time through, hoping they’ll do it again. A few weeks ago, I pulled Speechless by Stephen Curtis Chapman and Scotty Smith, and on page 132 I found this question delineated by fluorescent yellow highlighter: “What’s the difference between living a driven life and a called life?”

Just as I’d hoped, I’ve been chewing on that question ever since. I don’t think I have ever felt driven, or thought I was living a driven life; however, I increasingly feel called to change the world around me through writing and teaching and open living. And that calling, I suppose, drives me.

However, I suppose I can list the names of friends who will disagree about whether I live a driven life. They would say, “Yes, you do,” and maybe they’d be correct. I’m certainly compulsive about following a proven procedure, and stubborn about pushing ahead in spite of obstacles. For example, I hate giving up a scheduled run just because my knees hurt more that day, or a planned bike ride simply because it is 100 F. I resent either pain or weather assuming they can take over my life. If stubbornness can be the target of a driven life, maybe that describes me.

I think part of the difference between living a driven life and living a called life might be the difference between being pushed and being pulled. I feel pushed to do engineering work since that is my training and one of my best skill sets, but I feel pulled into writing and teaching, pulled by a force bigger than my own personal drive.

A driven life is often too cluttered. It's easy to get so busy we have no time to do the right things because we are driven to do so many things. Of course, that can be a simple issue of priorities and time management, but in the context of calling, I think men often fill their days with tasks to avoid finding their true self. If I hear a friend complain week after week about his life being too busy I think that's an indicator that he is caught up in a driven life rather than a called life. Men living in their calling don't complain so much about being busy because their busyness brings them energy and joy.

I also wonder if busyness is another way to avoid risk, to play it safe. Stay hyper busy, do the same things week after week, never have margin for new adventures, and life appears to be full and rich when it is actual thin and barren. Anytime I've stepped into the next layer of my calling, it was risky and scary. And I’ve had to leave behind activities that use to drive my schedule.

But there are things I feel so strongly, so deeply, I know they come from God. For instance, I love to - have to - teach and write and live life out in the open. One of the things I have never been able to stop doing my entire life is telling the story of what just happened - whether the story of a backpacking trip, the story of a Bible lesson, or even the story of reading Stephen Curtis Chapman. Anytime I go somewhere, read something, experience a new place, converse with an old friend, I expect to learn something. I expect to be changed. I expect to come away with a story to tell. Sometimes it takes months or years before I understand the story well enough to tell it, but until I find the story there will be a gap in my life.

So, back to my opening question: “What’s the difference between living a driven life and a called life?” Maybe I’m just haggling over definitions, finding distinctions where they don’t belong. But this I know: I no longer care to burn myself out doing things that lay crosswise to the grain of my soul. I want to live a called life.

QUESTION: What are you pulled into doing? Do you feel driving, or called?

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32

To learn about Berry’s books, “Running With God,” go to www.runningwithgodonline.com , or “Retreating With God,” go to www.retreatingwithgod.com ,… Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson or on Facebook … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org … To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: www.journalentries.org