Journal entry 070210: Experimenting

OK, I’ll go ahead and admit it: There is no logic to running long distances. At least, none that make sense to anyone who doesn’t want to do it.

I can make a list of why I like it – the battle against my own desire to quite early, the peace of meditation-on-the-move, the self-awareness that comes from so much time alone within my own thoughts, the emotional transformation from finishing another marathon, the short list of skills required, feeling the earth under my feet and hearing the buzz of a community, the camaraderie of fellow distance runners telling war stories, the vanilla milkshake reward earned after 15 miles – but I understand none of those are enough for most people I know.

And marathon training, well there is no logic to running 17 miles on a hot Friday morning in June, either. All I say can say is that I still hear the marathon drumbeat in the back of my head and I’m not yet ready to hang up my shoes.

But I cannot forget that I have 35,098 miles on my legs and feet and knees, and like most people I am getting older and slower day-by-day, not than younger and faster.

I once heard Jim Rohn say, “Casual living breeds casualties.” I think one reason I’ve been hobbling on one bad knee since 2004 is that I got too casual about my running. I thought I knew all I needed to know. I stopped paying attention to things like strength training and stretching because I didn’t need them any longer. I was beyond all that simple stuff.

I forgot about what George Sheehan taught us: Our life is an experiment of one. I stopped experimenting. I stopped learning. And, I got hurt. Now I am getting better, slowly, but it took a lot of deliberate action on my part.

For example, I’ve been going to a weight-lifting class a couple of times a week. I never did anything with weights before that and I ended up with a lot of imbalance and weakness. I’m much stronger now, especially in my quads and glutes and back. I believe that will help prevent future injuries and stabilize existing aches and pains.

I’ve also been attending a Vinyasa yoga class about once a week. I spent too many years, about 50, not stretching, and this class has helped me overcome that a little. It has helped me learn better balance, and given me greater flexibility and strength. I even breath better, which has improved my trombone playing. Who knew that would happen?

A few years ago Cyndi and I discovered a technique known as Chi Running. I believe it’s allowed my sore knee to find peace, and taught me how to stop hurting myself in the future. I don’t buy into the chi energy part of the technique, but I do believe that learning to land on my mid-foot instead of my heel has stopped further damage and will allow me to keep running for a long time.

And because of the patient work of Gladys Nichols at Seton Medical in Austin I have strengthened my core muscles and worked to achieve better muscle balance. Before Gladys I couldn’t run more than 5 minutes at a time; since Gladys I have completed one marathon and I am currently training for my next.

Maybe the weirdest experiment I’ve tried in my journey is barefoot running. Well, not exactly barefoot, even though I tried that once and it took the skin on my feet a week to grow back, but I have been running once a week in a pair of Vibram Five-Fingers. I hesitate to call them shoes since they look more like gloves for the feet. They have helped me learn mid-foot landing better than anything else I’ve tried.

And I can’t go on without mentioning Jeff Galloway’s run/walk technique. Once I started using it on long training runs I realized I could finally hope for many more marathons.

So I’m sorry if I am boring you non-distance-runners with this litany of experiments, but I believe in living intentionally, and that means trying new things. Just last week I was reading from a devotional book and it quoted Hebrews 12:2 from The Message and it reminded me of my recent adventures. “Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished the race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed – that exhilarating finish in and with God – he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever.”

The first phrase that caught my attention was “began and finished the race we’re in.” Since I hope to keep doing that for many more years I felt a personal attachment to that sentence.

But the most important phrase was this: “Study how he did it.” I hope I can study Jesus with the same deliberate attention I’ve applied to my running.

I have been doing spirituality for so long it is tempting to get casual about it. But casual living breeds casualties, and I don’t want my life with Jesus to become a casualty; I want to be always learning, always experimenting, always hoping.

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32

To learn more about Berry’s newest book, “Running With God:” www.runningwithgodonline.com

Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org

To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: www.journalentries.org

Journal entry 062410: Judging arrogance

So my opening question to the group was: What is the worst thing about judging other people?

We talked about this for awhile, and agreed that judging gives you a false sense of superiority, it scares other people away, it can become a habit which leads to a judgmental lifestyle that turns into bitterness and cynicism, it wounds other people, and it masks our own problems.

My next question was: What is the best thing about judging other people?

Well, judging other people is very fulfilling, it helps us know whether to hire someone for a job, helps us evaluate a prospective son-in-law, gives us the ability improve other’s behavior, lets us know how to genuinely help other people.

The Bible says many things about judging other people; sometimes it tells us to leave all judging to God, other times it reminds us to make our own judgments about who we follow and who we associate with. It isn’t a simple discussion. We must engage the world around us if we want to share the love and life and grace of God, but we can’t engage effectively without picking-and-choosing, without passing a few judgments.

We were studying from I Corinthians 5-6, where the Apostle Paul wrote a lot about judging other people. He started off by stating his disbelief that the church had allowed a blatantly immoral situation to remain among their membership. He urged the church to drastic action … to pass judgment. Paul made it clear that he had judged the situation already, even from a distance.

I had been chewing on this question of judging other people all week as I prepared my lesson for Sunday morning. One day as I read from my Daily Bible, from the prophet Hosea, I realized it spoke to the issue of judging, if only tangentially. Hosea has always been one of the hardest books in the Bible for me to read because of what happened. The prophet (Hosea) was told by God that he should marry Gomer, a habitually-unfaithful prostitute, in order to communicate a message to the people. Gomer’s adulterous life and Hosea’s continued acceptance of her would remind the people of their own betrayal of God and his own acceptance of them. While it was a powerful real-life illustration, it seemed like too much of a burden for a man to bear, even a prophet of God. Surely being a prophet was hard enough without being saddled with an intentionally bad marriage.

When I read Hosea I wondered about my own prayers to know God’s will for my life. What if God told me he wanted me to do something terrible just so my life could be an example for the people around me? I didn’t want that. Maybe I didn’t want to know God’s will if that sort of thing was a possibility.

Then I realized my mistake. I had always put myself into the story as Hosea, wondering if God would do something like that to me. I should have put myself into the story as Gomer, wondering if God would heal me and take me back. I assumed I was always the faithful prophet and never the unfaithful sinner.

And then again, while running on Monday it occurred to me that when I asked those questions – What is the worst thing about judging other people? What is the best thing about judging other people? – I asked them from the perspective of being the judge, not the victim.

We assume we are the judges who know the absolute truth, and whether we hammer people with that truth or accept them with that truth, it is always our choice. At least, that was my personal perspective.

But what if I am the person being judged? How do I answer those same opening questions? Now what is the best and worst part about judging? How arrogant it was for me to think I was always the person in position to judge and never the person who begged “please take me in I need healing.”

What I know now is that I have a lot more thinking do about this topic. I just hope my own arrogance doesn’t keep getting in the way of my understanding.

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32

To learn more about Berry’s newest book, “Running With God:” www.runningwithgodonline.com

Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org

To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: www.journalentries.org

Journal Entry 061710: Hunter Peak

“Wilderness is not a luxury but a necessity of the human spirit,” wrote Edward Abbey. I thought about that as I finally drifted off to sleep, Monday night in my tent, in the Pine Top primitive campground. I was backpacking in the Guadalupe Mountains National Park with Chad and Cory and Clark. Our original plan was to spend Monday night at Pine Top, do the nine-mile Bush Mountain – Blue Ridge loop on Tuesday, spend Tuesday night at Pine Top, and then hike down Tejas Trail in the cool of the morning on Wednesday. But because of a fire, most of those trails were closed, and the only place we could hike was Hunter Peak and a small portion of The Bowl. It was a shame, but couldn’t be helped.

It took us a long time to hike up to Pine Top. We arrived at the Pine Springs Visitor Center early enough, but had to wait for them to open the doors, and then we had to wait in line through lots of discussions about the forest fire and where we could hike and what we could do. It was a bit of a shock to realize they’d been fighting the fire for five days, yet this was the first any of us had heard about it.

We didn’t start up the trail until 10:00 AM. I had expected it would take us four hours at most to reach the ridge line but the heat and altitude took its toll and demanded a full six hours. I was so exhausted when I finally got the top and set up my tent that I took an hour nap just to recover. I don’t think I’ve ever spent six hours on my legs under a 60-lbs. pack (24 lbs. was nothing but water). I thought of a definition I read somewhere: Backpacking is an extended form of hiking in which people carry double the amount of gear they need for half the distance they planned to go in twice the time it should take. 

Later that night we all sat outside and ate and talked theology and family and history until well past dark. In fact, I didn’t finally go down to sleep until 11:30 PM.

Tuesday morning we took a leisurely pace to meet at Chad’s camp to eat his pancakes. We felt obligated to keep eating so he wouldn’t have to pack the weight of pancake batter and syrup all the way back down the mountain. We were doing him a favor, taking one for our brother, and all that.

With full bellies we started hiking toward Hunter Peak, one of the only trails open to us, where we spent about an hour on the summit rocks taking in the view and eating trail mix and Fig Newtons and talking about life. The view from Hunter Peak is one of the best mountain views anywhere. It is the 6^th-highest point in Texas, at 8,368’, and drops almost 3,000’ to a desert floor that truly resembles the ancient Permian Sea that it once was. And to the south was a postcard-perfect view of Guadalupe Peak. Using my 6x16 Audubon Monocular we could make out hikers on the Guadalupe Peak summit near the stainless steel monument.

Looking at the Guadalupe Peak massive I wondered what it was about mountains that speak directly into the heart. Maybe it’s their size when viewed up close; maybe it’s their seemingly indestructible presence in an ever-changing world; maybe it’s the physical difficulty they cause when we try to climb them. Who knows? But sitting on the flat limestone rocks at the top of Hunter Peak surrounded by the infinity of the West Texas desert, talking about old favorite movies and rock-and-roll bands becomes more than mere casual small talk. The shared effort to get to that spot made us brothers of the trail, and the stories we shared made us brothers of heart. It was a good day.

Since we’d exhausted the only trails left open by the National Park Service, and since it was too hot to sit around the camp all afternoon, we hiked down to the parking lot. We didn’t get started down until 2:30 PM; we were on the wrong side of the temperature gradient this entire trip. We unloaded our packs into Chad’s pickup, sucked down ice-cold soft drinks from the visitor center vending machine, and drove home to our waiting wives.

I wish we could’ve made the Bush Mountain – Blue Ridge loop. I’m certain it is extra green this year after a wet spring. Every time I do a solo hike through The Bowl I wish I could show it off to more of my guys. And I wish we could’ve had another night in camp to share more stories. But one of the attractions to going outside into the mountains is the unpredictability of it. Nature dishes out whatever it wants, whether rain or snow or lightening or fire, and the hiker has to respond and adapt. The risk of last-minute plan changes is part of the charm.

And another thing. I’ve been doing this with the guys long enough to know I can’t evaluate an experience right away. The true value of guys-outside-together may not show up for months or even years. I’m OK with that. Men make friends outside, and the more often we get outside together, the better we will be.

One of the glories of my present life is that I am surrounded by good men; they are among the finest men I have ever known. It was a privilege and honor to share the trail with three of my best.

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32

To learn more about Berry’s newest book, “Running With God:” www.runningwithgodonline.com

Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org

To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: www.journalentries.org

Journal entry 061010: Standing full

Having standing water in the corner of my front yard is not the sort of problem I expected to have living in West Texas. Around here we usually want to find more water, not get rid of it.

We first noticed our water problem last summer while planting a new bush. Our yard is designed with low-maintenance in mind. One of my goals when we built a new house was to never have to mow the grass again, so we don’t have any turf grass. The house takes up most of our small lot, and the yard consists of Jasmine groundcover and trees and bushes. One day we noticed the plants in the northwest corner of our lot dying so we decided to replace them with something hardier. But when we dug the hole for the new planting it quickly filled with water and never drained. This was in the hottest part of the summer, and it was a dry year, and it was unbelievable that the hole would stay full of water. That seemed like a Louisiana problem not a West Texas problem. Out here we expect any wet dirt to become dry dust after one day of exposure.

So we spent last fall and winter brainstorming what to do about our underground swamp. We suspected some sort of barrier, like dense clay, was preventing the water from draining. And since the northwest corner was the lowest part of our lot, all the irrigation water ran to the area and accumulated. One solution seemed to be to dig out the corner until we found good dirt and then refill the hole with porous sand. I suggested an alternative might be to plant something that needs a lot of water, one of those plants we usually avoid, like salt cedar or kudzu, to drink up the water, but I knew they would eventually jump across the street and choke out our neighborhood pond and I would be thrown out of town.

So my first free weekend after Easter, I went to work. I couldn’t stall any longer. I dug for four hours on Saturday and another hour on Sunday (Cyndi didn’t think my Saturday hole was big enough). My hole was roughly L-shaped, eight feet on each long side and about three feet each width. I dug about 18” deep into a mixture of clay and soft dirt, apparently the result of the original landscaper tilling the soil to break up the clay. But then I hit a solid layer of clay and I couldn’t go any deeper with a shovel. I put about 2” of water in the hole hoping it would soak into the clay and make it more digable.

But Monday morning the 2” of water was still standing in the hole. It might’ve been deeper having gathered drainage form the rest of the lawn. And at the time of this writing, about three weeks later, I still have several inches of standing water.

So what do I do next is my biggest question. I could get a backhoe and keep digging until I get past the clay, but I’m afraid a backhoe would leave a bigger hole and more damage to my sprinklers than I want. Or I could rent a drill and try to sink deep holes into the clay to allow the water to drain. I have been offered the use of a pickax and a posthole digger, and I’ll probably try those next. But since I don’t know how deep the clay extends, and it may go all the way down to caliche, I have no assurance digging deeper with help.

This week I have been working through I Corinthians 4, and in verse 16 Paul said something that used to frighten me. He said, “I urge you to imitate me.” How could anyone be so bold and presumptuous is what I thought.

Of course, I said the same thing to my kids when teaching them how to run, or how to ski, or ride a bicycle, or read a book. It wasn’t scary to tell them to do it like I did. But when talking about spiritual maturity, like Paul was, I never felt qualified to be the example to be followed.

I was wrong. I thought being mature in Christ meant I was a reservoir of wisdom and knowledge, and I couldn’t hold myself up as an example until I was sufficiently full. But filling up just to be full could be just as destructive to those around me as my water-logged corner of the yard was to my plants.

To be a healthy place for my bushes and trees the soil has to be a conduit for water to pass through, not a jug from which water cannot drain. And so to be a healthy place for other people to grow closer to God I have to be a conduit through which God flows rather than a full reservoir. I can say “imitate me” if I am willing to give it all away.

One of my new rules for living is to give something away every day. I urge you to imitate me. You don’t want to be the sort of person to hold onto stuff and never let it out. You don’t want to hoard the ideas and insights and dreams God has given you. Give it away every day.

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32

To learn more about Berry’s newest book, “Running With God:” www.runningwithgodonline.com

Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org

To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: www.journalentries.org

Love Songs

OK, so here is the story about these lists of love songs. A few yearsago (2007) I decided to make a CD of love songs to give away to friends and family in celebration of our anniversary. Since getting married was the best decision I ever made I thought it appropriate to spread the love.

Here are the playlists that I've used so far. I am still working on my 2010 list. And, I am always appreciative of suggestions - especially new songs, since I tend to hear only the songs played on NPR or at Gold's Gym.

I hope you will go to YouTube and listen to these, and then buy them, so you can play them with your lover and your hearts can go soft together and your future will be brighter. And, all that.

2009 Love Song Play List (30th Anniversary)

We've Got A Good Thing Going, by Michael Jackson

I Can't Let Go, by Chicago

I'm Yours, by Jason Mraz

La Bamba, by Leon Thomas III

You Ruined Everything, by Jonathan Coulton

Soul Food To Go, by The Manhattan Transfer

Wichita Lineman, by James Taylor

Wishing You Were Here, by Earth, Wind & Fire

Ain't That A Kick In The Head, by Dean Martin

Then, by Brad Paisley

Come In From The Rain, by Melissa Manchester -

Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop, by Landon Pigg

Playing Love, by Ennio Morricone

The Way You Look Tonight, by Michael Bublé

Two Hearts, by Carole King & Graham Nash

Suavecito, by Malo

Don't Know Much, by Linda Ronstadt featuring Aaron Neville

Let Me Be the One, by Carpenters

More Than Love, by Los Lonely Boys

E Nada Mais, by Claudio Roditi

2008 Love Song Play List (29th Anniversary)

Baby, It's Cold Outside, by Leon Redbone/Zooey Deschanel

Bari Improv, by Kaki King

Bubbly, by Colbie Caillat

Call On Me, by Chicago

Feels Like Home, by Bonnie Raitt

Hanging By a Moment, by Lifehouse

Hey There Delilah, by Plain White T's

I've Grown Accustomed To Her Face, by Dean Martin Featuring Chris Botti

I Only Want To Be With You, by Shelby Lynne

If I Ain't Got You, by Alicia Keys

Just Can't Help Myself, by First Call

Let's Fall In Love, by Diana Krall

Love at the Five and Dime, by Nanci Griffith

Pride And Joy, by Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble

Round and Round, by

Stay With Me Awhile, by Ryan James

Storybook Love, by Willy Deville Acoustic Trio

Unbreak My Heart (Regressa A Mi), by Il Divo

The Way I Am, by Ingrid Michaelson

You and I Both, by Jason Mraz

2007 Love Song Play List (28th Anniversary)

The Adventure, by Angels & Airwaves

Arms of a Woman, by Amos Lee

Beginnings, by Chicago

Better Together, by Jack Johnson

Book Of Love, by Peter Gabriel

Everything, by Michael Bublé

Fallen, by Lauren Wood

Happy Man, by Chicago

I Will Be Here, by Steven Curtis Chapman

I Won't Last A Day Without You, by The Carpenters

It's Too Late To Turn Back Now, by Cornelius Brothers & Sister Rose

Life Less Ordinary, by Carbon Leaf

Magic, by Colbie Caillat

The Nearness Of You, by Norah Jones

The Reason, by Hoobastank

's Wonderful, by Ella Fitzgerald

Someone Like You, by Van Morrison

That's All, by Michael Bublé

When Did You Fall (In Love With Me) [Groovin' Version], by Chris Rice

Journal Entry 060310 - The road is my home

Reading The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything by James Martin, S.J., one of the early companions of Ignatius, who said, “The road is our home.”

I am pretty sure what Nadal didn’t mean was what Merle Haggard sang about the road as his home, “I’ve had ramblin’ fever all along.” Nadal’s road was not a road of escape from duty and relationships, but a path toward God.

I also don’t think he meant a road as home like Willie Nelson, who sang, “I just can’t wait to get on the road again.” For Nelson the road itself was only a means to an end, the interval between concerts. For Nadal, I think the road was his final destination.

I’m not exactly sure what Jeronimo Nadal meant, but I think he meant that a life of prayer and contemplation was not enough unless it was also moving down the road. A follower of Jesus is expected to lead an active life, to be a “contemplative in action.”

Most of my own contemplation comes at one of two times: while I am writing raw thoughts in my journal, or more often, while I am moving my feet down the road (running or hiking).

The reason I have been thinking about roads is because of what my newest friends, Gary and Peter and Carl and Chad, told me last weekend. I was at a very small men’s retreat (almost like private lessons) where we spent many hours talking about God’s calling on our life. We told our life stories, we discussed images that described various aspects of our heart, we talked about movies and books and music and wives and friends. We were strangers to each other when we first arrived, but they soon knew as much about me as my longest friends. One theme the guys saw in my life was repeated references to paths and trails and bridges and doorways. Roads. I live my life on the road.

I knew it was correct the minute I heard it. In my mind and heart I am always on the road. I hope my road is not like Willie Nelson’s or Merle Haggard’s, but rather a road into the future toward God. I want to believe my best days are ahead of me, just a bit further down the road. I hope my closest days with God are down this pathway and my best times with Cyndi are across that elegant bridge. Not that my best is always out of reach, but that my best is ahead of me. I want to live a life moving into the future down this road, toward God’s best.

Jon Katz wrote (The Bedlam Farm Journal) about Joseph Campbell, who had an idea that most people are either security or mythically driven. Security-conscious people make deliberate choices about their life. They have money saved, jog and exercise, are prepared for recessions, retirement, illness, and beyond.

Mythically-driven people are different, and they make different choices. They take risks, and make deliberate decisions that the choices they make may not result in security as most Americans define it – money in the bank, fat IRAs, mortgage paid off.

So far, I’ve spent my life on the security road. Yet, surprisingly, as I’ve gotten older I’ve veered incrementally toward a more mythically-driven path. I would’ve expected the trend to go the opposite direction. I had expected age would make me even more cautious and anxious for security.

Campbell said mythically-driven people risk everything for their dreams. While I doubt I’ve ever risked everything for anything, I often wish I was more risky with my dreams. I know my dreams are taking up more space in my life and security is taking up less, but the ratio is still far from 50/50.

One more song reference: Russ Taff wrote a song titled Farther On, saying, “Now I’m standing on this road your hand has brought me to; you faithful love will lead me farther on.” So while I don’t want to stand on the road, I want to keep moving. But even more, I want to stay on the road God’s hand has pushed me to.

There was something else the guys pointed out to me over the weekend: I don’t want to go alone. As much as I talk about my need for solitude, I have an even bigger need to travel the road with my group. I don’t care whether I am in the lead, but I want us to keep moving together. I want you with me.

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32

To learn more about Berry’s newest book, “Running With God:” www.runningwithgodonline.com

Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org

To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: www.journalentries.org

Journal entry 052710: Called

I was reading I Corinthians 1:1 where the Apostle Paul described himself as being “called as an apostle of Jesus Christ by the will of God.”

I wrote in the margin, “He is confident of his position.” For myself, I often choke on the phrase – called by God. I’m not sure I have a right to make that claim. I believe it intellectually, but struggle with it practically.

It is easier for me to say “I am a petroleum engineer” since I have a university degree to back it up. Easier to say “I am a marathoner” since I have a collection of finish medals to prove it. Easier to say “I am a deacon” or “I am a teacher” since I have a certificate in my file cabinet and a class full of people.

But to say “I have been called by God,” to teach or write, is harder. I’m not sure why. Now that I have published my first book I can say “I am an author” with confidence, but to say “I am called” is harder.

Maybe making a claim to have been called by God, like the Apostle Paul did, assumes an endorsement by God, implies a level of skill and talent that seems presumptuous to claim for myself.

Yet I can describe multiple distinct encounters in my life when God spoke to me about my life as a writer and as a teacher in unmistakable ways. When he told me to start publishing weekly journals and when he called me out on that picnic table at Wild at Heart camp, just to mention two. While I may be reluctant to claim being called by God because I don’t have a medal or a success to show off, I cannot deny those encounters with God.

I doubt I’m alone in my reluctance. I imagine most people feel the same way I do. It is always easier to see God’s calling on someone else’s life than to see it in our own. More than one person in the Bible resisted being called by God.

For example, Moses argued with God about his calling even while standing barefoot in front of the burning bush. You’d think that would’ve convinced him. And Gideon pulled a double stunt, the wet fleece/dry fleece bit, hoping to understand the call that he feared. He’s lucky he wasn’t slapped down by the angel sent to give him the message. And even though God called Jeremiah to be a prophet before he was born, as soon as he was old enough to object he said, “I don’t know how to speak’ I’m only a child.”

Maybe some level of reluctance is a good thing. Maybe that’s what keeps us leaning into God to fulfill the calling rather than using our own ego. Maybe the humble spirit God is looking for is hidden within that reluctance. That is, as long as reluctance doesn’t turn into rebellion.

Well, I was thinking about this journal today while I ran. And while I ran I listened to a podcast by Erwin McManus who asked the question: “Are you doing what you were born to do?” I couldn’t believe it. How did McManus know I needed to hear this very question back on May 9^th when he preached it?

He asked, “Are you doing what you’re doing on purpose?” Otherwise we are like a big log floating downstream wherever the current takes it, hanging up on brush, bumping into rocks, jamming with other logs. Understanding what God has called us to do demands intentional action on our part.

McManus said, “We all want to be the guy up front swinging the ax, but few have the discipline to sharpen their skills.” He quoted Ecclesiastes 10:10 (NIV): “If the ax is dull and its edge unsharpened, more strength is needed but skill will bring success.” Realizing your call from God can be frightening, since with great power and energy comes even greater obligation and expectation. We have to hone the skills God has given us.

So I’m headed north to Colorado this weekend to attend a small gathering of men where we’ll explore this very notion of our calling. The retreat will be led by Gary Barkalow (www.TheNobleHeart.com), whose voice has been one of the most influential in my life these past ten years. I am excited about the opportunity to understand more.

And so I’ll ask you, where do you see yourself in this discussion? What has God called you to do? Is it too scary to talk about yet? Are you sharpening your skills? Are you waiting to hear?

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32

To learn more about Berry’s newest book, “Running With God:” http://www.runningwithgodonline.com/

Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org

To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: http://journalentries.typepad.com/journal-entries/

Journal entry 052010: Heart thinking

I have been thinking a lot about my heart lately.

Maybe it’s because I’m two weeks into one of my 40-day challenges and several of my workouts are aimed directly at strengthening my heart. Yesterday I spent 40 minutes on a recumbent exercise bike at Gold’s Gym just for my heart. I like that style of bike because I can read my book while spinning (“A Farewell to Arms,” by Ernest Hemmingway), and it requires no skills other than perseverance and patience. I ride the bike simply to burn calories and train my heart for the next mountain trek.

Or maybe it’s because of my friend David whose heart stopped beating suddenly in the middle of a basketball game, a condition noted in his official medical report as “sudden death.” David miraculously recovered after considerable effort on the part of doctors and nurses and the entire town, and I have already booked him a spot on our next mountain hike next fall. Maybe his story made me more aware of the condition of my own heart.

Or maybe it’s because my 31^st anniversary is coming up and I’ve been listening to a lot of love songs and my heart is soft.

Or maybe it’s because I’ve been working on my second book which is about guarding my heart and feeding my heart.

Or maybe it’s because I’ve been reading Proverbs in the mornings and Proverbs says a surprisingly lot about the heart. For example, Proverbs 14:30 says, “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” Well, my heart is hardly at peace when I’m spinning, but I certainly don’t envy the big-muscle guy on the bike beside me. I’d hate to have to haul all of those heavy muscles around a marathon course no matter how good they look in a ripped T-shirt.

Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;” This is not as easy as it sounds for an analytical problem-solver who tends to trust his own judgment and understanding over anyone and everyone else’s. How do I do this even a little bit, much less how do I do it with all my heart?

Or this one: Proverbs 22:17 says, “Pay attention and listen to the sayings of the wise; apply your heart to what I teach.” Again with the heart? Why doesn’t it say apply your mind, behavior, plans and dreams? Why heart?

And another, Proverbs 23:12 says, “Apply your heart to instruction and your ears to words of knowledge.” I tend to think of my heart as the passive part of me, the “result” of me, the part of me I’m supposed to guard and protect. I think of my intellect as the front line, the part I’m supposed to engage with, the active part. Yet, here, he says to “apply my heart.” That sounds active to me.

Proverbs means something besides heart muscles when it says heart, but it’s hard to know exactly what. Proverbs often contrasts the heart with the mind but it uses those terms in non-physiological ways. I think heart in Proverbs refers to the way we feel and think and dream. I suspect it’s a more holistic reference than the mind. Yet, there are no footnotes in Proverbs explaining the terminology, at least none written by the original authors, so there is a lot of guesswork involved.

Or maybe the reason I’ve been thinking so much about my heart is because of what I read in Proverbs 20:5 – “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters …” I remember hearing at Wild at Heart Camp that we have to get out in the deep water to know God. Gary Barkalow taught from Luke 5:4-6, where Jesus told Simon Peter to “put out into deep water and let down their nets for a catch.” Simon heard Jesus that day because he was willing to follow Jesus into the deeper waters. Barkalow said that we will hear Jesus call when we go with him out into the deeper waters … we have to get out of the safe shallows if we want to hear Jesus.

Maybe that’s a peek into why God says throughout Proverbs to focus on our heart – it’s the deep end of the pool.

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32

To learn more about Berry’s newest book, “Running With God:” http://www.runningwithgodonline.com/

Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org

To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: http://journalentries.typepad.com/journal-entries/

Journal entry 051310: Changing my life

Saturday afternoon I was at Lowe’sbuying a few PVC pieces for our drip irrigation system when I heard the song “I’d Really Love to See You Tonight,” by England Dan and John Ford Coley (1976). I instinctively grabbed my phone and texted the lyrics to Cyndi: “There’s a warm wind blowing, the stars are out, and I’d really love to see you tonight.” We often send lyrics to each other.

Cyndi texted back, “It’s 61 degrees outside. The warm breeze must be coming from inside your heart. Thanks. I love you.”

Later we were talking about that song and I said, “I couldn’t text the line – I don’t want to change your life. Changing your life is one of my main objectives.”

She said, “I know. Me too.”

I said, “And I hope you keep changing mine.”

She said, “I know. Me too.”

I had been listening to an audio book by Elizabeth Gilbert titled Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage. She wrote, “Love limits, almost by definition. Love narrows. The great expansion we feel in our hearts when we fall in love is matched only by the great restrictions that will necessarily follow.”

To personalize Gilbert’s writing, I would say Cyndi and I have an easygoing relationship, but don’t be fooled: I have claimed her as my own. Her energies belong to me and to no one else – not even entirely to herself anymore. She owes me things like information, explanations, fidelity, constancy, and details about the most mundane little aspects of her life. And I belong to her, in exactly the same measure. Elizabeth Gilbert wrote about her husband, “I have therefore fenced him off from the rest of the herd.”

The Apostle Paul wrote the same thing in I Corinthians 7:4 – “For the wife has no longer full rights over her own person, but shares them with her husband. In the same way the husband shares his personal rights with his wife.”

For some people, these may be good reasons never to get married. Why allow another person rights over your own body? Who would want that? Wouldn’t you rather be in charge of yourself and not have to answer to anyone?

The verse reminded me of a scene in the movie Air Force One (1997) with Harrison Ford, after the airplane had been hijacked and the president chose NOT to use the secret escape pod but instead remained on the plane. When his team back in Washington learned that he didn’t take the opportunity to escape one of them criticized his decision: “He has no right not to escape. Doesn’t he know he belongs to the country and not to himself?” (That is an approximate quote; it’s been awhile since I last saw the movie.)

His point was that the office of President was bigger than the selfish wishes of one single man. The President of the United States lived his life in a bigger story and he was responsible to a wider sphere.

I think that is what Apostle Paul was talking about in I Corinthians when he said neither husbands nor wives have absolute rights over themselves, but they belong to each other. We give up our personal rights in order to live in a bigger story, to move beyond our selfish personal self-interest and live in a wider sphere.

Again, from Elizabeth Gilbert, “This is what intimacy does to us over time. That’s what a long marriage can do: It causes us to inherit and trade each other’s stories. This, in part, is how we become annexes of each other, trellises on which each other’s biography can grow. His private history becomes a piece of my memory; my life gets woven into the material of his.”

As for me, I like being woven into Cyndi’s story. It’s true that I go to great lengths to keep my life private and to limit my exposure and to minimize expectations and to keep to myself. Yet being responsible to Cyndi and knowing she has ownership over my personal rights is one of the best parts of my life. I don’t resent checking in with Cyndi before scheduling something on my calendar – rather, I am happy to have someone to check in with, someone who cares enough about me to have an opinion. I’m glad to know I am not alone but on a team with someone else.

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32

To learn more about Berry’s newest book, “Running With God:” http://www.runningwithgodonline.com/

Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org

To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: http://www.journalentries.org

Journal entry 050610: Weight of fear

“The more afraid you are, the heavier your pack will be,” said Dr. Warren Doyle, legendary Appalachian Trail hiker, and his words caused me to stop working and pull out my 3x5 cards to make notes. I was listening to a podcast called ATHiking while working on the drip irrigation system we use to water the potted plants in front of our house. Dr. Doyle was talking about backpacking and how we tend to load too much heavy stuff into our packs “just in case.” The more things we are afraid of the more gear we pack, and the heavier our pack becomes.

I remembered reading a similar sentiment from Erin McKittrick, who wrote a book about trekking 4,000 miles from Seattle to the Aleutian Islands with her husband, titled A Long Trek Home: “Backpacks are the curse of backpackers. If we carried nothing we could be light and agile on our feet. But we would also be spending all our time simply trying to survive.” She continued, “Each ounce we carried made our trip more possible, more enjoyable, more comfortable, and safer. And each ounce we carried made our trip less possible, less enjoyable, less comfortable, and less safe.”

When I go up into the Guadalupe Mountains I take some gear other backpackers would leave behind to save weight. I take a tent because I like having my stuff inside with me and I like my privacy, and because I am afraid of getting rained on. Those might seem silly since I do most of my backpacking in the desert in one of the least-crowded National Parks in America, but it has rained at least one night during almost every one of my trips. I am considering trying a lightweight tarp instead of a full tent during the warmer months. It does seem funny to worry about privacy when the actual number of times I have shared a camp site with other hikers is outnumbered by the number of times I have been rained on.

I take an air mattress because I am afraid of the aches and pains I get from sleeping on the ground.

I take three gallons of water because I am afraid of running out. However, at eight pounds per gallon, I should consider taking less water. I should push myself on this and take some risk and try to lower the weight.

I take a headlamp, not because I am worried about being outside after dark, which I seldom am other than for waste disposal, but because I am afraid of not being able to read my book or write in my journal at night in my tent.

I take an emergency bivi bag on my solo day hikes because it makes Cyndi happy and in case I turn my knee or blow out my ankle and, being unable to hike out, have to wait alongside the trail until someone comes along, which could be days.

Some places where I have reduced weight by accepting risk are leaving changes of clothes at home, taking a smaller first aid kit, doing little or no cooking.

But of course the reason I heard the quote by Dr. Doyle so clearly was because his statement was bigger than backpacking. Fear adds weight to our life. Fear presses down on us and limits our movements and squashes our freedom. Fear makes us heavy on our feet, and unlikely to try new things. Jon Katz wrote in his blog, Bedlam Farm Journal, “Fear is a great depleter, and the more you feel it, the less you feel the wonder of life. Fear kills the adventure of life.”

Wow, I guess I should ask myself, why all these quotes about fear? Where did this come from? What am I afraid of?

I can answer that. I am most afraid of looking silly. That fear shapes more of my behaviors than I am willing to let people know about. I am sure it has held me back from many adventures that God has put in front of me.

However, I don’t believe it is as heavy a load on me today as it was a dozen years ago. Just as growing and maturing as a backpacker means learning what to take and what to leave at home, growing as a Christian means trusting God and emptying my pack. It also means living in community. One of the reasons my fears have declined a bit is because I’ve learned I am not on a permanent solo backpacking trip where all my survival gear comes from my own kit, but I am on an expedition and surrounded by fellow travelers who share their strengths with me even as I help shoulder some of their fears. Being on the trail together wards off fears.

1 John 4:18 says, “Well-formed love banishes fear.” (MSG) Knowing we don’t have to do this all by ourselves is way less scary, and much lighter.

“I run in the path of Your commands, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32BU

To learn more about Berry’s newest book, “Running With God:” http://www.runningwithgodonline.com/

Follow Berry on Twitter at @berrysimpson … Contact Berry directly: berry@stonefoot.org

To post a comment or subscribe to this free journal: http://journalentries.typepad.com/journal-entries/